I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
