I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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