my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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