Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There's always time for handjobs
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
