It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
