i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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