I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
vagina is talking i cant
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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