whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
