I heard we made out
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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