i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
