If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
