I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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