apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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