So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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