The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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