I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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