i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
