You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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