It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
