there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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