I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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