I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Terrible idea I love it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
