I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
