i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
