Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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