I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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