I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
A bitchslap is in order.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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