from now on my penis is your penis
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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