So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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