I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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