saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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