You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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