Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
