Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yo dont text me then not text me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
