census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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