i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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