I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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