haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
