I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Randomize