i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
