i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
