so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
