She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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