a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
