"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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