I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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