Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
