my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
