i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
