He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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