Where is the hickey?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
