Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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