I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
