I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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