I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
