I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Randomize
