just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
