He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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