My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
