If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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