R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
