She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize